Monday, August 18, 2014

The Day My Husband Died

I've written this a million times in my head and now as I sit down to type it out, my mind is blank. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to tell my story without boring you with every painful dramatic detail. I'll try to keep this short.

We were discussing where we would move once we transferred back to the mainland. Tension was high. Moving from an island to the mainland is stressful. Not having jobs or a home lined up is even more stressful. Looking back, I'm sure that we took our stress out on each other. We were all that we had. 

Mid-conversation he blurted out, "I can't do this anymore."
Me: "Do what?"
Moments that felt like eternity passed and then he said it. "I want a divorce."

Divorce. I was speechless. I couldn't put words together. I was spinning. Where was this coming from? How did this happen? Surely he was just emotional and didn't really mean it, right? This was coming from the guy who had planned a day full of surprises for my birthday a month before. The guy who wrote me a love note about how thankful he was to wake up to me a week before. The guy who showered me with praises and thanks on a daily basis. The guy I called my husband, my best friend.

Those of you who know him and I personally or who read my blog frequently, know that we were deeply in love. Or at least it appeared that way. To you and to me. He really was my best friend. Neither one of us was perfect by any means, but we were happy.

When did this happen? What did I do? I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was disappointed. I felt insecure. I felt like a failure. I felt alone. My heart was broken.

As you could imagine, I had a million questions. WHY? was obviously the first one. I couldn't help but ask questions. I kept thinking that this may be the only chance that I had to save our marriage or to at least find out how this happened. I'd later find out that I was right about it being my only chance, even if it was a small one.

The next month, living in the same home in Hawaii, was the toughest month of my life thus far. I lost 20 pounds within that month. I couldn't go more than a few hours without crying. Without family anywhere closer than Texas, I leaned heavily on my closest friend on the island. I feel like I owe my life to her. Often times she'd show up at my house to make me get out of bed. She helped me in more ways than one and I'm forever grateful.

I was living with a man that I did not know. You see, my husband died the day that he said he wanted a divorce. I know that sounds terribly dramatic, but let me explain. He changed. He was cold. He wouldn't even acknowledge Duke. He wouldn't look at me. He talked to me in ways I could have never dreamt of before. He did things that even a stranger would not do to me. He embarrassed himself and me, as his wife. It didn't make any sense. My husband was gone.

He turned to alcohol, other substances, and anger to cover whatever he was hiding. 

I turned to any possible help that I could think of. I reached out to several members of his family. His mother was the only one who seemed remotely interested in helping us but that soon faded. The same people who watched us marry and promised to hold us accountable in our marriage were now turning their back on us when we needed them the most. I started to feel desperate when I'd call, text, and email his family and get no response. But then I realized, I was desperate. I was losing my husband. I was losing my husband and I didn't even know why. Could they blame me for trying?

I wasn't going to give up. I made promises and vows that I intended to keep. I exhausted all options. I told myself that I had to be able to look back, whether it be with him or without him, and know that I did absolutely everything in my power to save our marriage. I'm so so so grateful that I did. It's the only thing that gives me peace, even today. I somehow had this overwhelming feeling of calmness throughout all of this. I never raised my voice or got angry. I never did anything that I regret. I did everything I knew to do and I would do it the same again.

I began seeing a chaplain and invited him to come with me. He refused, so I continued to go on my own. The chaplain suggested that I read a book titled "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Willing to try anything, I purchased the book immediately. Reading it became something that I looked forward to. It was as if it pumped some kind of hope, wisdom, and strength inside of me. That book, and that chaplain, made life a lot more bearable those first few months. They helped me survive.

Once the month passed and it was time for him to return to Texas, I considered staying in Hawaii. I loved it there. But I couldn't stand the thought of missing out on a chance to make it work. I hadn't lost hope yet. It's not over until it's over, right? I had a team of amazing friends and family waiting for me in Texas. I needed all of the support I could get.

We got on a plane. We got off in Texas. And that was it. It was like we didn't know each other. It was like our marriage never existed. I felt like our marriage meant nothing and that I meant even less.

I spent a few weeks crying and feeling sorry for myself. And then one day, I don't know exactly when, I just got up and rebuilt my life. I moved into a new place, a new city, I landed a job that was the perfect fit for me. I got my first and only tattoo that has so much meaning to me. I tried to keep busy because, even now, alone time is the enemy. (a reason for my blogging hiatus)

During this time, he changed his phone number and email address. The few times that I did speak to him, it was about finances and the conversations were mostly one-sided and not pretty. He wasn't my husband. He cut ties with most of his friends. His family had completely cut me off. I knew nothing. I was still legally married but had no way of contacting my husband. After 6 months of this, I considered filing myself. But no, there was no way that I could do that. I didn't want a divorce. But I also didn't want to live this way. I put it off for as long as I could. When 8 months passed, I asked my lawyer to give me information about divorce paperwork. She did some research first and found that he had already filed. In fact, my divorce was set to be final a week from then, unless I contested.

How was that possible? How is it possible for him to end a marriage without my consent? Without even my acknowledgment? I would have never known if my lawyer hadn't called.

I had just a few days to decide if I wanted to contest so that my lawyer could draw up the paperwork. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I cried. I begged. I would have done anything. Ultimately, I realized that fighting the divorce would only be just that, fighting. And don't mishear me. I was willing to fight. But I needed some kind of hope and at that point, he had given me none. And just like that, it was final.

Soon after, a friend of his gave me some information about his whereabouts for the past several months. He had started a downward spiral and was not planning to stop it anytime soon. He lost friends. He lost respect. Even his appearance shows this. He almost immediately replaced me and replaced Duke, even before the divorce was final. He's living a lifestyle that I wouldn't have agreed to. Although it hurt like hell, I'm so grateful for his friend who told me this. This person is still the only person who has given me ANY type of information about my husband. It's the only bit of closure that I've received.

The guy I know as my husband, died in June 2013. He doesn't exist anymore. I miss him everyday. I want to call him, but I can't. He's not there. I still smile when something reminds me of him or a moment that we had together. Since the beginning, I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. (Martin Luther King, Jr. - a quote that I repeat to myself daily) I choose to remember my husband, not the man that he has become.

I started drafting this months ago and now over a year has passed and I still haven't pressed publish. I know that my story today is different than the one I would have told a year ago or 6 months ago. Today, I'm writing it without tears, without hope for a marriage with him, without worry of the anger he might have if he reads this.

I've been a pretty inactive blogger the past year. Mostly because I couldn't think of anything to write except what was actually going on in my life. And I was too embarrassed and ashamed to share that.

But without thinking twice about it, I wrote about my baby Duke. I've been so amazed by the love and support and feedback that I've received from that post. I've never felt like I've touched so many people with my words as I do with that one post. Duke was a major part of my healing process through this. He immediately became my focus, my distraction, my everything.

Just like Duke helped me touch and comfort others, I hope this post does too. Maybe I will press publish today.

48 comments: said...

Love that you were able to post this. I totally feel your pain and hope you are doing okay. I'm a total stranger but wish I could just give you a hug; hope that's not weird! :)

Jess @ Exactly, Jess said...

While I was reading this, I felt like I can feel your pain and emotion crawling through the words. It's brave and great that you are able to express yourself and share something so personal. I wish you the very best; things will turn out for better, soon!

Take Care!

Organized Chaos said...

Wow! I can't even begin to imagine the strength it took to write this! I am in awe of you. Sometimes what is happening in our lives seems so unreal. I will pray for you and your husband and pray that you don't loose faith in your marriage. It may have ended on paper but I can see in your heart it is still there in many ways. I pray that your husband can find strength in Christ and find his way home again!

Karen Price said...

Glad you finally posted this. It took a lot of strength and I hope this the start of a new beginning for you.

Tamara said...

My husband died on October 6th, 2012. I think I'll always remember that day in vivid detail. Though it's been almost two years, not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I know exactly how you are feeling, especially being blindsided by it all and him moving on very quickly. Stay strong, time does heal!

Loris Ayoub said...

You, young lady are a fighter. I felt sad when I read this but I feel happy that slowly you are moving on. It is so weird how somebody you think you know and love can treat you that wway. I am glad that you are feeling better now...time does heal

After Eleven Blog said...

Wow. I remember keeping up with your blog long ago. I took a blogging break and came back and wondered where's yours was. You were one of the first blogs I ever came across. I wondered if there was a reason and wow, I'm speechless. It's rare that people treat divorce like a death but you're right, it is that....death. I'm so sorry and know there aren't words that can change what happened. Just know that God is a loving God and he heals the broken hearted. He has big plans for you. They may not be what you imagined they'd be a year ago but they'll be big!

Jenna McNabb said...

I love you Jesi! I am always here for you, even if we haven't seen each other in who knows how long! I love the way you write- I struggle with putting my thoughts and emotions in to words - something I can't really do!

Heather said...

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this...

bonnie rose said...

I went through a near divorce when we were living in Hawaii and I can totally relate to how tough going through that can be without friends or family around. It seemed all the people around to voice opinions are negative and no support. My in laws even pushed paperwork for sole custody. Not a fun period to think back upon. Even though one journey of yours ended, I find your story so inspiring because though you were clinging on hope for the marriage, you found hope in you and your future and the next part of your life. - Bonnie Rose. (A cocompass rose blog)

Lena B, Actually said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I hope the support & love you will feel after publishing this offers you some comfort! You are brave & beautiful! Hang in there, hun!!

Megs said...

Oh, honey. You're so so brave. This shows how much strength you have to write this, not just to share it with your readers but help to lift all burdens off you. I may be a stranger and not comment much, but I've always enjoy reading your blog (especially when Duke is in it).. I am sorry that it has happen to you but, I am happy to hear you are getting through it with an amazing support from your friends and family.

A friend of mine, she is going through a divorce as well. 10 years of marriage, a month ago; her husband just came up and asking for an divorce. It was out of the blue and as you can imagine.. She is deeply heart broken. I can't even imagine the feelings. This is so sad when it has to happen that way to anyone but I always think it's one of God's plan. We are much stronger than we think are.

God definitely has a bigger plans for you! I will keep you in my thoughts & prayer. Hugs!

Darcie (My Modern Country) said...

We don't know each other, but your story really touched me. As someone who has survived a divorce, it really is like a death in the family. I'm so happy you are healing, and moving forward.

erica @ to the sea said...

I had no idea you were going through all of this. I'm so sorry. :( I'm glad things are looking up for you again and you got past the really hard part. Everything happens for a reason, and I just know wonderful things will come from it.

Lisa Murie said...

I felt the shift when it happened. I am not sure what it was, but I knew something was off with you! This was my first fear for you. Divorce is a painful process, but coming out on the other side is a uplifting experience too. It really does make you stronger and I makes you a better person in your future relationships. You will be a lucky catch someday I promise that too! xoxo

Patti Tucker said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you've been through. All we can do is walk through the fire and hope like hell we make it to the other side. Looks like you've done that. Well done.

TicoTina said...

thanks so much for sharing, Jessica! I have wondered many times, but didn't want to bring up a difficult subject before you were ready to talk about it. my dad lived a double life for many years and it finally broke him and left devastation in his wake. it messed with my head horribly, but as my mom and brothers and I stood together we grew closer and eventually my mom became strong and independent. I definitely relate to you saying your husband died, it was just like that with my dad other than the slim hope that God could still get through to him if he stayed alive long enough.

I can't even imagine the heartbreak that you've been through, and especially without much close support in the beginning.

when my dad finally got to the end of himself, God did a miraculous work in his heart and healed so much of his past. it was a very long road, but amazingly God brought him back as a much different person and now he and mom have a better marriage than they ever had.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God has so much good in store for you, and I pray He will bless you beyond what you can imagine.

Anonymous said...

You have a light, a joy. And it's a gift you share with everyone you meet. You are amazing because you haven't let this terrible situation dim your light, kill your joy. We love you for that. Thank you J! dh

Heidi Knepper said...

what amazing strength you have. I admire your clarity and ability to share.

Brooke @ Covered in Grace said...

I don't really have the words right now... but I am sending you love. You are definitley brave..amazing.. strong.. love is sometimes the hardest thing to give.. you prove that it can be done.

Lisa said...

This post took bravery. Thank you for sharing your heart. I"ll be praying to healing for both of you.

Aukele Cockett-Askew said...

I'm so happy that you opened up and shared about this. I'm sure (hope) a burden has been lifted off of you.

You are a mighty and strong woman that has been through a lot - and I'm sure the devil will try to throw even more things at you; but you got this! James 1:2-4.

Your (ever-developing) story is going to inspire many women, so don't stop sharing it! We are all learning and growing from each other's experiences!!!

Lots of love to you today Jess!!! Thank you for sharing.

Kristin Benton said...


Thank you so much for being willing to share your story. It touched me deeply. I have so much respect & admiration for your openness & willingness to be vulnerable. God is clearly using you to help others heal alongside you. Thanks for being a voice for the oftentimes voiceless. It means a great deal to know you're not alone in suffering. Love you woman

V. Nino said...

Jessica, this is so brave of you to share.

Believe it or not, my husband and I went through something similar. The final outcome was different, but I'll never forget how badly it hurt, how much I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I felt like I was in bed with a stranger, like the person I knew for the past decade never existed. I felt like I lost all control in my life.

At the time I kept a private blog and wrote out my feelings everyday. Everyday was such a struggle cause you're just hoping to wake up and things be back to normal. Just going through the motions, and in essence, just waiting (fighting for the marriage), was excruciating. I either wanted to fast forward to know our fate or just go back in time and be happy again. But being in the present was killing me.

This was five years ago, but I'll never forget the pain. It changed me, mostly for the better.

I'm sorry that you had to go through such a painful experience. But it is lovely to see you transcend any hate or bitterness. I believe that is the mark of a good woman :)


Mrs Gray said...

I can't imagine going through that; I am so glad you have been able to keep going and make a life for yourself.

Chioma said...

wow. I saw the title of your post and my heart fell. Then I read the post and my heart fell again. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As a newlywed, it breaks my heart to even imagine such a thing happening. I"m glad you know the Lord and have a support system outside of his family. I pray complete healing over your heart and that God will fill in the gaps for what you need during this time.

C's Evolution of Style

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, Jessica! I don't have enough words to even try to express everything I feel right now. I just want to wish you strength and good luck in all of your new beginnings. I hope another year from now you can look back without this pain, I hope you find your happiness and joy again. I can't believe people can be this cruel. Sending you hugs and my best thoughts!

Christina Routon said...

Jessica, I know that pain. I know the feeling of when you can't breathe and you can't think and you just need to move on.

My husband and I divorced and remarried 6 months later. I know that's not the case for everyone, but just know you will be okay. You ARE okay. ((hugs))

Bonita Hall said...

I know it must be hard to post this for the public to see. But letting other people (even strangers) into your life will help. You will heal. You can be strong. And remember that you are the person who matters at this point.
Be strong. Look forward.

Ahobbitt said...

I often read blogs like this and wonder what the other side of the story is? If given the chance or desire to post, would the other party concur or think the blogger is slanting the story to their favor? Rarely, if ever, is a divorce the result of just one person.

Anonymous said...

you are brave. you are strong. you are not alone. go girl go, if this is rock bottom, its only up from here. <3

Kasia Górska said...

that post made me so emotional, you survived, you are such an inspiration!

Krysten Quiles said...

I've been legally divorced since June 2012 and just got remarried this year.

I just happened upon your blog because Bloglovin' told me your blog was similar to mine. And after reading this, I can see why.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me. Having been there myself I know how hard it can be. But it does get better.

Paige Nicole said...

Oh my gosh girl! I noticed that you had gone missing from blog land (but thought maybe I just wasn't on twitter as much) and I noticed you being in TX a lot on insta so I thought maybe something had happened but I had no idea! Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

What a heartbreaking story!! I went through something similar to this. Only I was pregnant with our daughter. I know that feeling all to well. As I read your words I literally felt like I was sitting in your body and feeling your exact pain. Just wow. I'm glad you got through this. I praise you. Xoxo

Jane said...

I am so behind, I'm just seeing this now. I wondered about your absence in the blog world this past year. I am so sorry you were going through such a hard time. I can feel all your emotions and know many of them myself. Lots of hugs and love.

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Đào Tạo Vua Bếp said...

Khởi nguồn từ việc yêu thích văn hóa nhà đẹp và ẩm thực Nhật Bản. 1 công ty ở Sài Gòn đã vẽ ra được một bức tranh lạ mắt nhờ nghệ thuật thiết kế nội thất nhà hàng biến hóa, sắp xếp và sắp xếp đồ đạc như 1 bát mì Ramen. Thi công công ty này với điểm đặc thù mà cứng cáp sẽ đa dạng người ưu thích là đông đảo các họa tiết trang trí đều được các bạn teen khiến cho bằng tay và thiết kế nhà đẹp trang trí cực kỳ tỉ mỉ biến siêu thị thiết kế biệt thự thành một biểu tượng nghe sở hữu vẻ xa có nhưng lúc đã hình thành thì mọi người với thể nắm bắt và cảm nhận được. các tuổi teen tự tay làm cho đèn trang trí cho công trình của mình, điều này tủ bếp đẹp làm cho nghệ thuật trang trí thiết kế nội thất phòng ngủ trong siêu thị này vươn lên là độc đáo và riêng biệt hơn, “không đụng hàng” sở hữu bất kì nơi đâu. Bài viết này sẽ giới thiệu kiến trúc của một bệnh viện nhi điển hình, ko chỉ đáp ứng được nhu cầu về y tế của khu vực, mà còn được kiểu dáng để tạo ra một dung tích thuận lợi và tuyệt thiết kế nội thất chung cư vời như trong thế giới cổ tích của những bé. Trẻ nhỏ là những người vô cùng thích màu sắc cho cần các kiến trúc thiết kế nội thất căn hộ sư đã tận dụng các chiếc đèn Led, đèn huỳnh quang tạo hiệu ứng nổi bật cho các bức tường thiết kế nội thất văn phòng và cửa kính hài hòa với ánh sáng khi không khiến cho công trình như một bông hoa đang tỏa sáng thiết kế nội thất phòng khách giữa sa mạc đầy nắng và gió. Vấn đề năng lượng xanh và giữ môi trường thiết kế nội thất shop trong lành luôn được các nhà mẫu mã thiết kế nội thất showroom giữ vững trog suốt giai đoạn thi công thiết kế nội thất biệt thự công trình, các mảng cây cối xanh tươi và ánh sáng lúc nào cũng không thiếu trong kiến trúc bệnh viện này.

Đào Tạo Vua Bếp said...

Hình dáng bố trí ở đây không nhằm tới công việc chuyên môn nhà đẹp của người KTS được thuê tư vấn bề ngoài nhà. Họ chỉ tạo ra diện tích ban đầu thiết kế nhà phố cho bạn, còn việc sử dụng và “biến hóa” không gian ấy ra sao, mọi là nhu cầu thiết kế biệt thự do bạn. Bạn luôn sở hữu những sáng chế design trong “mỗi sớm mai thức dậy”, bởi vì không gian nội thấtlàm cho nhà bạn thuận tiện hơn việc luôn nghiên cứu để phân chia tủ khu vực nấu nướng đẹp tiện lợi và đẹp đẽ cũng là một giải thiết kế nhà đẹp pháp nâng cao chất lượng sống nếu toàn bộ tủ bếp đẹp đồ đạc trong nhà của bạn được sắp xếp trật tự, cuôc đời của bạn biến thành mộc mạc hơn phần lớn. Bạn ko buộc phải phải bỏ nhiều thời gian để tậu một đồ vật đồ gì đấy, cho dù xây dựng biệt thự bạn với vừa đi công tác hàng tháng trời mới về. Hãy sử dụng những khoảng thời gian quý báu mà bạn tiết kiệm được vào việc khác giá trị hơn. Một trong các kỹ năng cơ thiết kế nội thất chung cư đẹp bản của các kiến trúc sư nội thất, cũng như các bác sĩ thần kinh là lựa tậu các gam màu thích hợp với thiết kế nội thất nhà phố đẹp khoảng không cũng như vật dụng ngay bên. các màu sắc êm dịu mang gam màu chan hòa thiết kế nội thất biệt thự đẹp sẽ giúp tâm trạng của thi công nội thất chung cư bạn trở thành sảng khoái hơn bao giờ hết. Trừ lúc bạn là người ẩn dật hoặc lập dị, còn thông dụng bạn vẫn cần tiếp khách trong nhà. Một căn nhà bề ngoài đẹp không chỉ thi công nội thất nhà phố giúp cho gia chủ được nhận thi công nội thất biệt thự xét cao mà còn thiết kế thi công nội thất làm cho những vị người khách đến thăm nhà bạn nhận biết thoải mái hơn cũng như chủ nhân trong giao tiếp. Đôi lúc điều này mang đến lợi ích giúp bạn có bước tiến trong cuộc thi công nhà đẹp sống cá nhân lẫn sự nghiệp. Hơn nữa, nó còn giúp bạn thể hiện cá tính riêng của mình. Một căn nhà được sắp đặt một phương pháp có tổ chức cũng làm không khí nội thất nhà đẹp và ánh sáng thông thoáng xây dựng nhà phố tươi mát hơn, đóng góp oz tiết kiệm năng lượng cho căn hộ và tăng trưởng đồ gỗ nội thất sức khỏe. bên cạnh việc phân chia những trang bị đúng chỗ cũng giúp cho những căn phòng dùng được không gian tốt hơn, đường đi lối lại được tự do hơn. Một KTS sở hữu trách nhiệm luôn để ý đến những nhất thiết và xây dựng nhà đẹp mức độ ưu tiên của người mua nó.

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