Sunday, September 7, 2014

Healing

Losing Duke has been hard. I knew that he meant so much to me but maybe I didn't know exactly how much. I didn't realize how much of my daily life revolved around him. How much I depended on him. How much happier he made every single day.

I picked up my baby's ashes a little over a week ago. I had been numb for a few days prior to that. But on that day, I lost it. Here I was holding this small cedar box and my sweet baby boy was in there. How was that possible? How is that right? I began driving myself crazy with what-ifs and if-onlys. I blamed myself and wondered how I could have done things differently. I thought about how ironic it was that just last summer, a year ago, I went through a different kind of "death". A little over a year ago I was happy. I had my own little family. And now what was left of that?

I am grateful to have such a great circle of friends who have been helping me get out of this rut. My darling Eun Hae sent me The Rainbow Bridge poem. It was especially fitting since Duke's birthplace of Hawaii, is considered the rainbow state.

the rainbow bridge
The background picture is of a cemetery that is next to Duke's favorite dog park - the Diamond Head Bark Park. You may not be able to see it, but there's a rainbow in the sky.
Kait sent me the confirmation I needed just 2 days after Duke went to heaven. Sure enough, his heaven IS the beach.

duke taylor

Jee Hae saw the coolest sign on the road.

duke taylor

Amber surprised me with the most thoughtful gift I've ever received! --- a ring that has a paw print engraved on the outside and "Duke Taylor - always by my side" engraved on the inside.

pet lover jewelry

Eun Hae and I had the best FaceTime session ever while she was at the beach!

duke taylor


And so many more of you have been wonderful. I know Duke Taylor would love all of this attention! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It means more than you know!


4 comments:

Mia @ The Chronicles of Chaos said...

I'm so sorry. :( Big hugs.

Andiepants said...

Jessica, I am so sorry honey....big hugs!
I am currently preparing myself with the same decision with my 15 year old kitty. Thank you for your lovely story because I also feel that he will be happily playing in his favorite beach just waiting for you.

Lex said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know the feeling, and I know nothing anyone says will be able to take the pain away. You will heal with time, I promise. When I lost my baby girl, I got a tattoo in her memory, and now she walks with me wherever I go. It reminds me of the time I got to share with her and I'm so thankful for that. Feel better, love.

Niki {Glossy Blonde} said...

I am so sorry, Jessica. It is clear how much Duke meant to you, and I know you meant just as much to him. The Rainbow Bridge poem makes me cry every single time I read it, but it is so comforting, and I really believe it's true. When I lost my soulmate dog (Waylon), I had a dream that my parents' dog who had recently passed guided me to this field where dogs were happily frolicking with people, and I saw Waylon with my deceased grandparents. I know it was just a dream, but sometimes I wonder... Duke is watching over you, and he'll always be around. xoxo